Posted by: theteet | January 1, 2006

2005: The ReMix

Happy 2006 everybody!

We shall not forget you, 2005. You were hot and cold. You were comfortable and terrifying. You were sober and under the influence. You were…

January:

Back in the old apartment, working as a barista, mild depression set in following several days of below-zero temperatures. I owned, fed and loved my hedgehog. Our car was broken into. I slammed my finger in the blender thingy. I thought of you.

February:

Much to the chagrin of family and friends, I picked up a hitchhiker. I promised her groceries but never delivered. I sliced my hand with a hot butcher knife, resulting in three (or was it four?) stitches. I continued to serve mochas to the best of my ability.

March:

Mae and I went to NashVegas for an extreme close-up of Gillian Jillian Welch. Seth and I built a workbench. I tried to win Collen’s love. We knocked Sean’s $100 decorative plates of the walls. We celebrated our victory against high-maintenance gays.

April:
And unto our family a child was born. Baby Jacob came into the world. He still cannot read. I drunkenly mourned free movie passes, as my wallet, license, credit cards and all were stolen from the High Beck Tavern. I vow to avenge the missing items. Nothing ever comes of this vow.

*May:

Before we finished moving into our new apartment, we bought a dog and I went to Costa Rica. Upon my return, I attempted to meet Jon Stewart. Our neighbors gain magical powers by having sex with cats. The whole thing was completely insane.

June:

I considered myself lucky to have acquired dear dear friends at the coffee shop. I loved them. We spoke every day.
After a year of dedicated service, I received a “verbal warning” from a shift manager for oversleeping. This began the spiral into angry coffee shop girl hell — well, that and the return of Frappacino season.

**July:

Sweet baby jesus, it was hot. We had no air conditioning. We survived — barely — and remained un-divorced. I chopped down a tree and secured a new job. Seth convinced me that girls didn’t have spleins. We became eGodparents. My effing car got towed.

August:

Our one-year anniversary romp in Amish country. I cried on the first day of my new job. A strange man began camping in our back yard. I turned 23. It was better than it sounds.

***September:

The harvest. Disaster struck in our family in the form of our first irreversible health condition. Our Maybel contracted demodectic mange. (I know — it totally looks like ‘demonic.’) There was too much death. Maybel became a woman. In preparation for fall, I had several Blue Moons.

October:

I began to like Brittiny. Maybel puked on my neck while I was asleep. I threw an axe into the ground. I saw a flash of Talya. Olivia left for Oregon. I drank a whole bottle of white tequila. My husband turned 24.

*4X November:

one and two

December:

Jim Petro lost my vote. I learned your crush. I saw the PUTZ. Christmas came and went in a few short days. Kate and Aaron announced their pregnancy. We called it Jesse. Seth and I lost terribly in several board games. Our love waned.

* Winner — Best Month of the Year By Far.
** Winner — Most Accomplished Despite Hellish Weather Conditions.
*** Winner –Most Blood in One Sitting.
*4X Winner – Month Best Represented By Photos.


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